Snape and his monkey
by AppleJuiceMaster
Summary: Insane. That's all I can say! I'm not even sure where this story is going to! And I have no idea what it's about! Another insane Snape story, by your beloved AppleJuiceMaster!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: It's all hers! *points at Rowling* Rowling: 'Huh? What? Oh, yes... IT'S ALL MINE!!! ALL HARRY POTTER CHARACTERS ARE MINE, INCLUDING SNAPE, DRACO AND LUCIUS!! MWAHAHAHAHA *evil laugh*' So uhm... yeah o_O"  
  
  
  
  
  
'Jesus Christ!!!! My monkey has a gun!!!!!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST!!!' Snape screamed, running into the Great Hall. Everyone stared at him. 'A GUN DAMMIT!! YOU KNOW, A MUGGLE GUN!! IT MAY ME MADE BY MUGGLES, BUT IT'S FUCKING DEADLY!!' Snape yelled, pointing at the direction he came from.  
  
Dumbledore stood up, the way he did in the first movie, showing no panic or whatever. 'A gun?' He said doubtful, his eyes twinkling.  
  
'It's a badass monkey!!! He tried to kill me!! What are you all looking at!?!!!! I almost got killed by a damn monkey... with a GUN!!' Snape started to freak out. Everyone wondered what he sniffed.  
  
Dumbledore turned up the twinkling-eyes some more. 'A monkey? Did I give my approval to that?' He said, some extra twinkling in his eyes. Some people laughed, knowing that finally the day had come Snape lost his mind.  
  
'Fine!!' Snape spat. 'When the monkey has it's first victim, you'll be begging for my forgiveness!' With this, he ran off again. Everyone stared at each other for a moment, shrugged and got back to their own business.  
  
As the Great Hall was filled with talking and laughter again, Dumbledore sat down, and looked at McGonagall, all the twinkling disappeared.  
  
'Minerva, I'd liked you to find out more about Snape's monkey...' McGonagall nearly choked in her "pumpkinjuice" (A.K.A extra strong rum) 'Ex... excuse me?!!' 'I need to know more about the monkey story...'  
  
Lupin, who came back as Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, since Moody was too paranoid to teach, and he's be staying for one year anyway, so enough about Moody, said. 'I think I know more about the monkey stuff.'  
  
Dumbledore looked at him with interest. 'You do, Remus?'  
  
'Er, yeah... Siri- I mean, SOMEONE brought some "magical" fungi, gave them to Snape... and well... he started to tell us he always wanted to have a monkey...' He looked around, rather uncomfortable.  
  
Dumbledore decided to put in some It's-OK-trust-me-twinkling in his eyes. 'I see... did he also say... WHY?'  
  
Lupin gave a small smile. 'Yes, he did. He wanted a monkey because... well... we always used to make fun of him and everything...' He hesitated.  
  
'Well?' Dumbledore asked, slightly annoyed.  
  
'So he didn't really had any friends... He just wanted a friend. That's all.' Lupin had a damn-why-did-I-ever-taunt-him-like-that-look on his face.  
  
McGonagall looked slightly surprised. 'What about Malfoy? Lucius Malfoy was always around him, right?'  
  
Lupin now had a Damn-do-I-have-to-tell-them-the-truth-look. 'Well... he... that... Lucius was... his boyfriend back than...'  
  
Dumbledore, who just took a sip of his "pumpkinjuice" spat it out. A few students looked at him oddly. He quickly gave a smile and some twinkling in his eyes. He looked back at Lupin. 'Boyfriend?? I never knew Severus is gay...'  
  
'Well, it's kind of strange... in the first and second year, he liked girls, in the third and fourth, he liked boys, in the fifth year girls, sixth year boys, seventh year girls. I don't know what he likes now.' He shrugged.  
  
McGonagall noticed a few teachers were trying to figure out what they were saying. 'ANYWAY...' she said loudly to Dumbledore and Lupin, who understand what she was trying to do.  
  
Dumbledore turned up the twinkling eyes again. 'So as I was saying, there was this Muggleshop...'  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
And now a word from your beloved author:  
  
  
  
Moo!!  
  
Translation: Thank you for reading, I hoped you liked it! I'll try and put the next chapter up soon again. Please review! 


	2. Monkeyness!

Once again, no owning for me. Damn!  
Severus Snape stormed back to his dungeon, where his monkey was waiting for him. The monkey made a monkey like sound (how do you call it?!)  
  
'Of course I said you had a gun!' Severus snapped at the monkey. The monkey made another monkey-ish sound (What is it called dammit?!) Snape rolled his eyes. 'yes, of course! I didn't took these 'drama lessons' eleven years for nothing!'  
  
The monkey continued making... well... monkey like sounds. 'Yeah you better do that...'  
  
The monkey changed into a man with long blond hair, cold grey eyes and black robes. 'Why did you decide to be a monkey again, Lucius?' Severus asked, still amazed about this.  
  
Lucius glared at him. 'Maybe because SOME CERTAIN SOMEBODY took the best animal there is... a SNAKE!' Severus sighed and rubbed his temples. 'We discussed this already. Like five-hundred times! I was just a quick learner.'  
  
'That's no excuse to take the best animal to transform in, before me!' Lucius said, turning his head away. Severus sighed again, slightly annoyed. 'Just shut up and let's sing our song!' Lucius looked at him, one eyebrow raised, the way only Malfoy's could do. 'All right than...'  
  
Severus placed a ridiculous pirate hat on his head and said. 'Are you all set, purebloods?' 'AYE AYE SIR!' Lucius yelled. Severus climbed on his desk. 'I can't heaaar you!!' 'AYE AYE SIR!!!!' Lucius yelled again, with a smile (A smile! A real smile !!!). Severus smirked.  
  
Suddenly, the Spongebob Squarepants theme started playing.  
  
Whoooooooooo lives in a cupboard under the stairs?' 'HA-RRY POT-TER!!' Lucius yelled. 'Pathetic and Gryffindor he is!' 'HA-RRY POT-TER!!' Snape jumped off the desk for dramatic effects.  
  
'To kill the damn boy is something we wish!' 'HA-RRY POT-TER!' 'Than do the Avada and see him blown apart!!' 'HA-RRY POT-TER, HA-RRY POT-TER' They both sung. 'HA-RRY POT-TER!!'  
  
The song ended. Lucius looked at Severus with an 'Aw-can-we-do-it-again- look. Severus shook his head. 'I remember this was the official Death Eater song...' 'Yeah... Our Lord made us sing it at every meeting.' Severus nodded. 'Yes... I kinda wonder where he is now...' They looked at eachother for a moment, then started laughing.  
  
'Just kidding!! Hahaha!!' He said, laughing maniacally. 'I still LOVE that joke!!' Lucius said, also roaring with laughter like the insane maniac he is.  
  
Suddenly, Draco slammed the door open and walked inside. 'You rang?' (Heh I love to say that... The Addams Family! *snap snap*) Lucius stared at him. 'Actually, no.' 'What are you doing here?!!' Severus said, curious and a bit ticked off. 'I don't know... Dumbledore told me to come in here, asked if you rang, I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!!'  
  
All of the sudden, three man in long red suits came bursting trough the door.  
'NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' The middle one yelled. 'Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.'  
  
And they left.  
'Erm... I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!' Draco said again.  
The three man bursts in again-  
The middle one took a deep breath and started his little speech again. 'NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!'  
  
-And left again.  
  
Severus, Lucius and Draco stared at the door. A long silence fell upon them. Lucius was the one who broke it. '...Sooo... Anyone want to watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show?'  
#######################THE END!!!!!! ##################  
~I bet you didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition, eh!!! Logical... NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!!! Damn I love Monty Python...  
Anyway, please review. I always love it when I get a review! *insert super- duper happy face, like this ^______________^* Moo! ~ 


	3. Lucius' nipple and Severus' comment! gas...

Empty bags of chips, tons of empty bottles, some clothing pieces and many more junk were lying everywhere, and in the middle of it all, two man and one boy were sitting.  
  
'Let's do the Time Wrap agaaain...' Severus said, incredibly drunk. Lucius looked down at his bare chest. 'Heh... nipple... Niiipple...'  
  
Severus took a closer look at Lucius' nipple. 'Cool. Can I touch it?' Draco glared at his Potion Master. 'You are SO not going to touch my Father's nipple!' 'Shut up, blondy!' Lucius roared with laughter. 'HAHAAHAHA BLONDY!! Haahahaha!!'  
  
'But Dad, you're blonde too...' 'No, he's not! Are you colourblind or something ?!' Severus commented, and touched Lucius' nipple, making them both giggle.  
  
Draco rolled his eyes and started to look trough the junk. 'What you doing, boy?' Lucius asked, while Severus was touching his nipple. 'Mehh... looking for some food...'  
  
'You just ate three bags of chips, you fatso!' Severus said, continuing to press on Lucius' nipple. 'I'm not fat! I never get to eat anything when I'm at home!'  
  
Severus stopped pushing on Lucius' nipple and looked at him. 'Is that true, my love?' Lucius shrugged. 'He's on a Malfoy diet.' 'He's lieing!' Draco yelled, eating some leftovers.  
  
'Shut up! Drunk people don't lie... If you ever get fat, I'll throw you out the family! Malfoys are supposed to be PERFECT!' Draco stared at his father, shrugged and continued eating.  
  
'You're perfect in every way and you know that, darling! Only this nipple is kind of weird looking...' Severus said, taking an even closer look at it.  
  
Lucius gasped, Draco dropped his bag, The Spanish Inquisition fainted, Lockhart lost his memory again, Harry fell of his broomstick, Ron got a nearly fatal heart-attack, a big heavy book fell on Hermoine's head, The Grinch stopped grinning, Patrick and Spongebobs' mouths dropped open, Sirius Black's hand got almost ripped off by Buckbeak, and something bad happened at everyone after that comment.  
Severus looked around, surprised. 'What?' 'You... You...Said... that... I'm... we... weird!!' Lucius broke into tears. 'YOU ARE SOOOO MEAN!!! YOU'RE CALLING ME UGLY!!!!' Draco looked at Severus with an evil glare. 'Now you've done it, you bastard! You made my father cry!! Are you happy now, son of a bitch!?!!!'  
  
Severus stared at Lucius with an odd expression on his face. 'Darling... I am so, so, SO sorry!! I actually meant "weird" in a sexy kind! Like... "Wow your penis is so... weird..."' Lucius stopped crying. 'Oh OK.' 'Do you forgive me?' 'Of course I do!'  
  
Draco looked away as they started hugging, whipped out his recorder and said 'Having a bisexual father who's in love with your Potion Master every two/three years is tough. Memo to self: Never trust a greasy, pale, black haired man who lives in a dungeon and watches Spongebob Squarepants.'  
************END, FOOL!***************  
  
Hmmm... Pretty stupid, I know, but it was a quicky! Hope it's not too bad! 


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